Loves Page
To understand all of this, you have to have a history lesson... I "developed"
very-very-very early on. Women naturaly develop quickly too. AKA, I was
ready, they where ready. So, basicly, I played with everything that moved
for years and years....until I met Dana.
I met her at the local public pool, she was cute, I, of course, wanted her.
She, of course, could care less. But, I always liked a challenge, so I kept
after her. I slowly started realizing that I'd stopped doing all the other
things I liked doing(fighting, drugs, stupid kid stuff). As time passed, I
kinda chilled out. When this started happening, she and I started talking.
We talked for hours and hours about absolutely stupid things. After a couple
of nights of this, something wierd happened. I fell in love.
First time ever, freaked me out, I started to notice little things that where
going on, like I could "feel" when she was around, I'd just not payed any
attention earlier, other freaky things began happening like the whole finishing
of sentences business. Freaked her out too, because I was the
first one she'd ever fallen in love with too. As with the world, everything
had bad timing. She actualy lived in Michigan, and was just in Tulsa spending
the summer with her grandmother. But, we kept in touch with letters. Generaly
one or two a week. But, then, she stopped writing back. I, of course, kept
writing anyway. After 3 or so letters, I got a letter back from her parents.
She was killed when a drunk driver hit the van that she was in(They got in
detail, but frankly, I don't remember whos van it was).
No, this did not go well emotionaly for me. Internaly, I felt that it happened
because of all the things I used to do. The world was paying me back. I then
turned everything COMPLETELY around. I felt that I had to start paying back
the world or worse things would happen. Kinda a bad karma thing. I started
picking up my "children", people who had all sorts of problems that I would
take care of. This arrangement worked out great, I was mentor to all sorts of
people and believe it or not, it was very relaxing being in that role. But
it took a huge chunk out of my being, and I had to take frequent vacations
from everybody to put myself back in the state where I could help someone
without my own problems colapsing back on me.
Then, at one of my birthday parties many many many years later, one of my kids friends
brought his new girlfriend with him. I litterly FELT her enter my house. Scared
the ever living crap out of me. Her name was Stacey. I instantly knew I was in
love with her. At the time, my rational was "be a dad to her", and that's just
what I did. I took care of her, while, she dated one of my kids after the other.
The big problem was that my kids tore into her. She was so startlingly beautiful that
everyone wanted her. So one kid would woo her away from another kid. She, didn't
have the heart to tell who she was currently dating, that she was dating someone
else. Annorexia, anxiety attacks, and general ill health was the result. I did
the best I could, but I was fighting my own feelings for her. And I was fighting
other problems. My first real love died(somewhere in my head, because of me),
and here I was watching someone else I love, slowly killing herself(because of
the people I raised). Was way too much for me to handle. I tried to kill myself
3 times. Severely screwed up my body doing it too(not as though the heavy drug usage
before Dana didn't either), 2 bottles of nytol also helped caused my reoccuring
insomia. Eventualy, she moved off to college(but we'd lost contact
before that anyway).
Okay, well, a year or so passes, then, I start talking to someone on a local BBS
and we meet up, and I get that horrible feeling again(or joyus, how do you really
describe wanting to be with someone, but fearful of the final outcome?). Joy, this one(Laura) was
a 17 year old run-away. She moved in(to my room at my mothers house), lots of things
happened. Mostly her dealing me the "just friends" line, by playing Meatloafs
"two out of three" song. She then moved in with her new fella, who she also fell
out of love with, who told her to put out, or get out. She then moved into my
apartment that I'd moved into. My roomate eventualy kicked her out
(didn't matter much though, she was dating a drug dealer at the time)
I, of course, was miserable at this point. Three women I'd fallen in love with,
one dead, another one slowly dying, and the latest, severely screwed up on drugs
and about to kill herself too. I poured my emotional heartbreak in an annoymous
online forum(what was known as a "wall" in BBS days, actualy on a BBS called Purgatory).
Eventualy, this one woman started talking to me, about releasing each of our
pains. After a month or two of phone tag, we finaly got to talk to
each other. We talked that night for 9 hours(I had to go to work). We met in
person two days later. Funny feeling again(I pretty much already knew I wanted
to be with her while talking on the phone, but I had to make sure)
Jeni was the world to me. Life finaly seemed to take a good road. In my head,
I'd finaly done enough penance and I could finaly start living a life, together,
with her. (My roomate said if I got any happier, he was going to have me
commited, probably because I kept dancing into his room after getting off the phone
with her). One night, while we where talking on the phone, I told her I wanted
to be with her forever, she asked if that was a proposal. I said, "sure, why
not". We got engaged the next day at a dinner party my friends where having.
She then had to go off to a camp, she was a councelor there. I called her
pretty much every night(yes..yes..I'm obsessive boy). Well, when she came back
into town, she was immediatley hostile. I just assumed things where stressful
from traveling. So I just decided to let her cool down. Well, to make a long
story short, things went down the tubes in about a week. I wasn't there for her
apparently at a really bad time. So it was over.
Oddly enough, during this time, Stacey came back into my life. She got engaged
nearly the same day that I had. We sat around bitching about our significant
others. Oddly enough too..when Jeni and I broke up, Stacey had broken up with
her fiance(he was sleeping around). She then moved to Iowa, to be with her
parents. I kept promising her I had something to tell her, but I never got the
chance to.
Well, things had kinda normalized, until Octoberfest of 96. I was waiting at a
friends house for people to show up to go, when this woman walked into his apartment.
Damned funny feeling again. I had a friends notebook with a cell modem in my lap and
she sat next to me watching over my shoulder. I avoided her like the plague at the after-octoberfest
party because she was with someone and she was way too young. I did, however, clean
her up when she puked all over herself and the floor.
Later, we talked on IRC(she was thanking me for cleaning her up). We started talking
for a long time, and then I called her voice. We started talking for an even
longer time, about 8 hours. The next night, when I got on IRC, she told me I was
her new boyfriend. Sally always had a way of being very direct.
I needed to housesit for my friends in OKC, so I asked if she wanted to housesit
with me.(she lived a 3 hour drive from my house, but less than an hour from the place I
was to housesit at. I knew it was wrong to invite someone over to a place I was
sitting at, but I really wanted to be with her). I went and picked her up
and we spent the weekend together. Huge problems arose, when, at the party we
went to, she got..(clearing throat)..too friendly with some of the guys at the
party. Later, found out she even got too friendly with one of the girls, the same
one that came out to my car and kept trying to comfort me about Sally's activities.
I tried to dump her then, but, I couldn't stop how I felt for her. Acutaly what I
did is I went back to the housesitting place, packed up her stuff, drove back and
left it on the doorstep(since everyone was asleep inside, including her) and was
on IRC all the rest of the night crying. Later I talked to her online and we
decided I had to take her home. Then, when taking her back to her house, I decided to make her feel
better(she felt like crap for what happened) by letting her drive my car. She absolutely
loved it. So then she decided to show my car to one of her friends, then drove
her friend around, who then wanted to pick up her boyfriend, so we did that too,
and finaly it was getting dark and I said I needed to get back to Tulsa(that whole
three hour drive thing). She then pulled into a bank parking lot, said she
had a blackout, and slammed my car into one of those concrete polls. She was
so stressed out, that I brought her back to Tulsa with me.
When we got to my apartment, there was a message from Stacey on my answering
machine. She had to come to Tulsa for a friends funeral, and she was wondering
if she could stay at my apartment. (yes, I did a huge Homer Simpson DOH!).
Well, she came, and when she got there, her sister, her friend, and Sally decided
they wanted some alchol. Stacey and I where the only ones of age, so we went
out to get some. While in the car, we talked a lot about old times. Finaly,
when we got out of the car to take the stuff back to my apartment. Stacey asked
me what it was that I always wanted to tell her. She then leaned over, kissed me,
and said, "Its that you love me, isn't it? I love you too.". My heart litterly
stopped, from happiness.
We talked awhile about all of it. Apparently, at her 18th birthday party
(when I got alchol posioning), she'd held me all night, and I'd told her I
loved her and she did the same for me. But, the next day, I didn't remember
telling her, so I went back into "dad" mode. She assumed that I'd just been
the alchol. AKA, almost 5 years of longing, went by, because, I didn't think
I could tell her(without loosing her completely). Her original plan was to
come down to Tulsa, and us talk things through and slowly start building a real
relationship(hers have been as bad as mine, loose people within two months).
If things worked out, she would move to Tulsa and things would proceed from there.
Of course, they kinda got screwed up, with Sally being there. I let her know
straight off that I'm loyal to the people I'm with.
Stacey immediatley didn't like Sally. But, after talking to for awhile, they
became friends. Stacey then told me she understood, and that she'll always love
me and that if things go wrong, she'll always be there. I knew what I needed to
do in my heart, but I couldn't hurt Sally. Life with Sally got to be really fun
for awhile, but then things went straight down the tubes. She couldn't control
her drinking, and at parties, she couldn't control her sex drive, since she tended
to be the most beautiful woman at the parties, she was the obvious attention getter. I, just held
it in, rather than doing the smart thing, and talking it over with her. She, got
distant, because she could feel me holding things back. Finaly, she sent me email,
15 minutes before new years, telling me she couldn't take the strain of knowing I
was angry with her, so we where no more.
A couple of weeks later, I met someone online, Wendy. We just talked for about 10
minutes before we decided to meet up at Denny's to talk in person and have
coffee. The moment I got to see in her eyes, I knew how I felt. But, being
me, I spent all the time, denying how I felt for her. She and I spent
every waking moment together. That is, as much as she could get away from
her abusive boyfriend at the time. She finaly met a guy off IRC, and I
convinced him to come and get her, so she could be free of the asshole she
lived with. She'd brought over her siamese cat, and Apollo and she fell in love,
was actualy really funny watching them bathe each other and chase each other
around. While in my guest bedroom one day, Wendy said Apollo must really have a
thing for her cat. And I told her that I had a thing for her owner. At that
time she told me in no uncertain terms that she had nothing but friendship
feelings for me. I cried for days when she left for
Chicago. She finaly called me in May, telling me how horrible her experiences
with the guy she met off IRC was and that she met someone and was engaged to
him. He was in bootcamp and she wanted to visit with me before he got out
and she had to start moving all over the country. After we spent a couple of
days together she decided to call off the wedding and move in with me. Of
course, it made me the happiest man alive. We talked about taking things slow
and that we should just be friends for now and work on something greater. Its
the "5 year" thing, we might marry after 5 years. Things where going great,
until she ran into one of her ex-boyfriends from 6th grade while borrowing
my car to find a job. She realized she was in love with him, and that he
was in love with her. They got together.. She then told me that all that
she said about wanting a relationship with me, and having any other feelings
for me, where just me being confused. The boyfriend dumped her 2 weeks later(June 18th).
Meanwhile life just became more and more difficult as more and more people
fell in love with her off IRC, meanwhile, I was completely supporting her
financialy and emotionaly. I started sleeping at work because I couldn't
take being in the same apartment with her, it hurt too bad to watch her
trash my apartment, spend my money, insult my friends, and expect me to
be happy about her telling guys how lonely she was and how no one loved
her. Finaly, on July 7th, she asked me to tell her what was wrong, and I
told her. I told her it was the lack of consideration. Of how I was
treated like a husband on one end for supporting her, but was really
nothing. I'd spent all my savings I'd saved for a house(2,100) and that
I didn't have anytihng else to give her. She then decided to move out.
Originaly she said she was going to get married to her ex-fiance, but
then apparently decided to change her mind and move in with her mother in
Houston. After one of my roomates heard her dialing the phone, I called up
Sprint and found out she racked up a 100 dollar phone bill. She then called
her ex-fiance and had him western union money to pay for it. She has a good
heart but doesn't think about the consequences of anything she does to make
people care about her. After she moved out, we talked in email a few times,
her final one was telling me just how wrong I was and how laughable my feelings
where and I did nothing but bring her down. :(
Online, is a fruital environment for me. For, I met someone online named
DEATH-. Hehe, well, actulay, her name is Christian St Marie. Its wierd, you
know, when you talk to someone, who's had a common past with you. She was a
BBS'r, before I was. She used to live in Eufala, and go to OU and attend some
of the same sci-fi conventions as I would. Basicly, its _wierd_ that I'd
never run into her before. But, basicly, we hit it right off. We would talk,
flirt, etc online..she sent me mail and pictures, and I sent her stuff back,
and then, in December of '97, she came from Knoxsville, TN to spend a week
with me. It was one of the HAPPIEST weeks I'd ever had. Okay, its wierd,
but, she was sick most of the time...we spent christmas with her grandparents,
which means, I missed _my_ family stuff(which they are still pissed off about),
and she had to leave to get back to TN so she could finish off her job and move
to Boston. *AND* she had a boyfriend already waiting in Boston. And the one
time that I really drug her out in public, I got alchol poisoning and she had
to drive me home and take care of me. But, still, I felt..right..being with
her. One of the few non-pressure people I've been around, someone who loved
expressing feelings without having to say a word. Suffice it to say, I was
VERY distressed when she left. Then continued to be distressed about her
boyfriend in Boston. But, hell, what am I to do? She's there, I'm here,
long distance relationships don't work. I just know, I love her and want to
be with her. Which gives me the right to be jealous of her boyfriend, but
of course, doesn't give me the right to say anything about it. So I tend to
change the subject when we get into conversations about him. She eventualy
dumped him and he became rather psychotic, but eventualy chilled out and is
one of her best friends now.
An update on what's happening in these peoples lives.
I really wish I would have kept all of the letters from Dana, or at least
her picture. I can't even remember her last name anymore to check up on
her family. I think about it entirely too much, wondering if she and I would
still be together, or if it would end up like all my other loves.
Stacey has moved back and forth from Iowa and Oklahoma. She got married in
November of 98. She calls every couple of months with her latest stress then
disapears. Her latest deal(august 99) is that she'll be getting a divorce from
her husband. The month prior she let me know she had always wanted more of a
relationship from me(even tried attacking me sexualy, which didn't work out too
well, since she was drunk and I didn't need the stress)
Last time I ran into Laura was at a sci fi convention here in Tulsa, she's
still with this one fuckstick that used to date Rowan, which I thought was
acutaly quite funny, since I really wanted to date Rowan at the time.
Jenni had her baby. Gorgeous, HUGE, baby. She seems to be doing just
fine and is happy. Last thing I heard was that she was getting married. Got
stressful for a time, since the club I went to had all sorts of her ex-fiances,
actualy one night one of the more jackassish ex's mentioned that there where
4 of us in the same club at the same time.
Sally got married Jan of 99. Her husbands little sister has messaged me ever
since filling me in on details no matter how many times I tell her not to.
While online a couple of months ago, I got a wierd msg from someone asking if
I knew Wendy and if I was still angry at her. I told this person that I couldn't
be angry because I loved the woman. Then the nick changed and it was Wendy, she'd
gotten married to the man she was engaged to and he turned out to be the biggest
psycho of them all. She was living in Chicago and was planning on visiting Oklahoma
again and she wanted to know if we could get together and talk sometime. I said
sure, but then never heard from her again. :(
Christian, is in Boston, She's got a long time boyfriend now. She came back to
Tulsa in '98 for a convention that we went to in MO, unfortunately I spent all
my savings for this convention, but it was well worth it. Unfortunately, near
the end of the trip, she gave me the speech about how she'd always love me, but
her romantic feeligns for me had matured into a deep friendship instead. AKA,
she cares about me, I'm her soul mate, but I'll never be her actual mate, I'd
given up my opurtinity a long time ago when I didn't move to Boston to be
with her. In '99 she came back. Before flying here, she kept mentioning coming
to visit her soul mate, and so forth. She was here for two weeks and never mentioned
the words soul mate. Also, she said that she and her bf are going to the
convention next year. The really big blow, was that at the convention I was
going back and forth from the hot tub and pool and she apparently stopped noticing
me because she was talking to a guy in a kilt. Well, I was watching, as she pulled
his face in and started kissing him. This put such a large steak through my
heart you would not believe, especialy after the day before we'd gotten into a
long drawn out conversation on how important kissing is to me. Later, when she was
talking to people about the con, she mentioned how there wasn't anyone there
worthy of being kissed. The only thing that saved me and the only thing that
saved me from letting her know, was the fact that I pumped 4 st john's worts
daily and escaped into the tub to cry.
The main thing to know about all of this, is that my feelings for someone don't
change. When I fall in love with someone, it doesn't go away. I get those
same feelings whenever I'm around them. Generaly, it causes me to shut down,
trying to protect myself and get overly emotional when they are gone. Yes,
when I love someone, it tends to hurt me...I'm always worried about loosing
them.
Some people ask, what happens if I'm with someone, and one of my loves, decides
that they acutaly love me and want to get back together with me. Well, use
Sally as an example. I am INTENSLY loyal to the ones I'm with. Plain and
simple. Like it matters, two months in anyway, and they all leave.
Well..that's the short version of my relationship life...I hope you have a
better understanding on why I do the things I do. Its been way way way too
real for me.
Holly, whom I'm not allowed to talk about.
My 7th love, Christian
My 6th love, Wendy(^Wendy), click for more pics(two different pages, one from forever ago, the other from 1-22-01).
My 5th love, Sally(VenusR19), click for more pics
My 4th love and ex-fiance, Jenni from 95
Removed by request
My 3rd love, Laura from 94-95
My 2nd love, Stacey.
My 1st love, Dana. I burned everything I'd gotten from her when she died.
I heavily regret it now that I'm older
She was very tiny(like 2 feet shorter than I was at the time), and had
long, straight, thick black hair. Her face could bring a tear to your
eye, it was so detailed and beautiful.